November 2005
72 posts
Humanity sneaks its way into a making-of
Most “making-of” documentaries are basically a waste. They’re superficial, uninformative, and used mostly for promotion. Unless you’re an obsessed fan, just watch the movie.
However, Inside the Labyrinth - about the making of that 1986 Jim Henson film that my generation still worships so much - contains one burst of human insight amongst all the chatter about how they got...
The Third Rail
Pushing Tin, except on a subway, starring Adam Sandler.
Adam Sandler’s character has wanted to be a New York City subway driver ever since he was a kid. He finally quits his boring office job, hoping to become a subway conducter, then finds out that he needs a lot more experience first. He has to start off at the bottom, driving a trolly in San Fransisco, work his way up to the subway in...
The prodigal son of Richardson
A son fails horribly in New York. He goes back home, the shame of his family, but with the minor amount of street smarts he picked up in the big city, becomes mayor of his small suburban town.
Hi!
Every time you look someone in the eyes, tell them “hi!” as if you’re just seeing them for the first time in a really long time. This will be especially uncomfortable if they are your roommate or your co-worker and you run into them all the time.
An unfunny fart scene
I have yet to see a fart in a movie that isn’t played for laughs. In real life, however, farts are more often awkward and embarrassing. So, a movie scene where someone farts and it isn’t funny… just uncomfortable and sad.
When should one bust out one's pucker?
Here are some phrases I thought of a long time ago that seem to be original:
When you’re about to kiss someone you’re “busting out your pucker.”
And when you’re making out with someone, you’re “getting your pucker on.”
Sounds kind of lewd, even though it’s about the most innocent act in the world.
Hospo! Hospo!
This ad is from Joe Weisenthal, though I fleshed it out a bit. He’s not sure whether it would be for a wireless company, or for a travel-related Web site.
The ad opens with an adult American tourist couple lost in a jungle, looking doomed. A snake hisses from a tree. A hyena laughs at them. A hippo shakes his head. To their right is quicksand, to their left a bottomless pit. They try their...
Possible plot for a movie that lasts a lifetime
Mira Weisenthal wants to make a movie that lasts a lifetime. She hasn’t offered any plot suggestions, so now I’m picking up the slack.
The movie that lasts a lifetime could open on a crowded, moving subway car. The camera would zoom in on one person in the car. Then it would flash back to some significant point in this person’s life, and tell the story of this person’s...
An explanation for 9/11
Setting: New York City, 1997. A small group of Arab tourists happily see all of the sights, conveyed in a musical montage: excitedly pointing at tall buildings, looking at maps, getting lost on the subway, going to the top of the Empire State Building, and so on.
After the montage, they are walking down Broadway Avenue through Times Square when a rude New Yorker pushes past them and knocks one of...
Instead of a fake laugh
If you’re bad at faking a laugh at a joke someone tells, but it would be awkward if you didn’t laugh, you should force a small chuckle and smile. Then, hold the smile even after both of you look away from each other. There’s a good chance that the joke teller will secretly glance over at you and see that you’re still smiling. Since you presumably were no longer trying to...
A hospital that celebrates birthdays
A hospital that throws a birthday party for every baby born there. I mean, come on, the day you are born is your only real birthday. Every year after that is a completely different day. In fact, one might argue that the day after you are born is much more your birthday than an exact year after you were born, because of proximity. Following this logic, April 22 (the day before my birthday) is more...
""'Irony'" in Quotes"
Joe doesn’t believe in real life irony.
Now wait, before you bring out the torches and the crossbows, he’s not saying that there aren’t people who cleverly say things they don’t mean to suggest a different meaning. Because he is, in fact, one of those people.
He just means that when a fireman is a pyromaniac, an expert figure skater slips on some icey stairs and hurts...
Recording ideas - literally
When I first starting having script ideas, when I was sixteen, I bought a microcassette audio recorder. This way I could record ideas while I was driving (putting a piece of paper against the steering wheel and taking notes proved too dangerous) and as I was falling asleep.
Paper, clearly, was superior when writing ideas in class; it looks like you’re studiously taking notes, whereas loudly...
Excercising away your emotional poker face
I used to have a very expressive face. Not anymore. But why?
Was it the time my mom saw how much I was moved my eyebrows while I talked and asked, “Are you trying to give yourself wrinkles?”
Was it an adaptation to getting picked on/rejected, thinking that if I locked away my feelings, I’d be safe?
Or am I now simply unimpressed with the world? Well, not unimpressed. Just...
Alamo Utopia
I was an extra in The Alamo. Sure it was a terrible film, but I like it cause I’m in it. Clearly visible, in fact, standing near a cannon before The Battle of San Jacinto - the Texians’ gruesome revenge that ends Santa Anna’s tyrannical reign forever.
My friend Jon Holt was an extra with me, and we had different views about what being an extra in The Alamo entailed. His idea was...
Puking to protest it all
There’s a lot I admire about my friend Emily DePrang, but one trait I’ve been thinking about lately is her propensity to throw up when distressed. The only time I can remember right now is when she threw up before a job interview (a job she now has), but I know she’s puked under more profound circumstances too. I always fantasize about myself puking in response to witnessing...
Misplaced love
It’s really frustrating when someone is in love with someone who isn’t you, and they’re telling you about it. And all the traits they love about this person apply equally as well to you, if only they were paying attention.
“And his eyelashes are so long, he can’t wear glasses because they hit the lenses every time he blinks.” But your eyelashes are that long...
A dog show for mutts
Why should pure breeds with “papers” get all the attention? There’s some pretty attractive mutts who deserve to “strut their ruff.”
Another good dog show would be a show for nothing but shi’tzus and pugs.
Weekly Blog Idea Wrap Up, Dec. 14 - Dec. 20
Joseph Weisenthal had a good idea for another feature on Idea Province, one that would increase my hits and also help foster the growth of more idea blogs, which in turn would lead to an idea blog community that links to each other and increases all of our hits.
The idea is for me to write a weekly wrap-up of the best ideas I find on other people’s blogs.
The way I find most of these ideas...
Talk your way out of altruism with this circular...
The starving, impoverished people we see today were all fantastically rich exploiters of the poor in past lives, and are poor in this life as a karmic punishment. To attempt to aid the poor is interfering with metaphysical justice, and will justly lead to the soul-crushing poverty of the altruists in future lives.
Only problem: then aren’t rich exploiters of the poor doing a service by...
Epic Time Travel story
Someone can go back in time only to make biting, witty comments at times when she originally wasn’t thinking quickly enough.
Tapping secret messages on imaginary keyboards
There are some movies that are bad, but nevertheless have some good ideas that could be used to better effect elsewhere. Especially in the case of movies that never escaped obscurity, it seems like a waste to let these good ideas languish in movies that nobody likes or will ever see.
In the 1997 Canadian movie Uncut, which I liked but hardly anybody saw, one character is obsessed with typing. He...
How to trick your boss
To distract from the fact that you haven’t gotten anything done, ask for more to do.
Sisyphusian ghosts
Ghosts are always scaring people in movies and in real life, so I like the possibility of turning the tables on ghosts. In this scene, which I thought of while reading a biography of Benjamin Franklin in 2002 (hence the Franklin reference within the scene), a living character gets to mock the dead for their apparent Sisyphusian curse.
Guy watches as a group of old timey ghosts rehearse a show...
Give the incumbents two votes
It would be funny to allow the incumbent president to have two votes instead of just one. It wouldn’t sway any elections, but it would really piss people off.
If you believe that, then I have a bridge and some...
To change that cliche up a bit, you could add some literary references.
For instance, if someone is doing something risky that might lead to their tragically early demise (like swinging on a frayed rope and then landing on their head and dying), you could say: “If you think that’s safe, then I have a Bridge to Terabithia to sell you.”
Or, if someone gives you an ill-advised...
People who were never meant to be
I like the idea of people who are “accidents.” Especially when their parents eventually break up, or better yet, become completely estranged, making these children the only remnant of this failed, temporary pairing that violated all reason. The relationship should never have happened, and it didn’t last long, but now a new person exists because of it. These children aren’t...
How do we take credit for the success of "our...
Rachel Osier informs me that The University of Texas football team, the Longhorns, are undefeated. I used to go to UT. So does this make me partially responsible for their triumph? If so, how?
Rachel suggested she might deserve some credit for possibly being the last person to register for a class, which a football player would have signed up for in her place; the class would have been too much...
Horroscopes by blood-type
Just like the subject says. Instead of a horoscope telling people what’s going to happen to them that day based on the stars (Aquarius, Pisces, Taurus, Aries, Cancer, et al), you tell them based on their blood type (A, B, AB, O, et al).
"$19.39? Now that was one helluva year!"
Whenever you buy something, and it rings up to 19 dollars and change, it’s hard to resist noticing that it looks like a year. Sometimes, people will comment on what that year was like for them, or wasn’t like.
At Angelica Kitchen the other night, someone’s meal came to $19.50. His commentary was: “1950? That was before my time.” I don’t usually work the...
Too inhibited to swing, but still perverted?
Then you could start a sex tape watching club with your friends; only people in couples who agreed to show tapes of themselves having sex would be allowed to watch the other tapes of their friends having sex.
Eventually turn this into a multi-billion dollar porn industry, profiting off people who would rather see real people have sex than professional porn stars.
When I had this idea, I was...
Is there a Mrs. Bull?
Back when sex researcher Alfred Kinsey was forcing people to have orgies and think rationally about sex and whatnot, the New Yorker ran a famous comic in which a snooty society woman was reading an article about him, and with a shocked expression, asks her sleepy husband: “Is there a Mrs. Kinsey?”
Nobody has known how to bring this comic into modern times. Until now.
My updated...
Vanquish Restless Legs Syndrome
I once had Restless Legs Syndrome, luckily one of the most overlooked medical conditions of our time. “Luckily” overlooked, because it’s not fatal, and I’d much rather that be an overlooked medical condition than Lupus. Still, Restless Legs Syndrome is horrible, and if you catch it, you’ll want to get rid of it.
According to the The Restless Legs Syndrome Foundation,...
No Logo
As David Askin reminds us, Joe and I came up with these bumperstickers a while back:
“Circumcision Doesn’t Go Far Enough”
“Against the death penalty? Don’t have one!”
and
“If I can read this, I’m sitting in your passenger seat”
We actually had Circumcision Doesn’t Go Far Enough made, upon the advice of our friend Timothy. What we...
The Making of a Prison Orientation Video
I took Paul Stekler’s Documentary class when I was studying Radio-TV-Film at UT, and I needed a topic for my final documentary. Somewhere I heard that film students were being hired to help the Travis County Sheriff’s Department make an orientation video for new prisoners. The video was going to break-down the ins and outs of the prison world, so fresh prisoners knew what to expect...
Dome-umentary
A documentary about the Monolithic Dome Institute near Hillsboro, Texas. The monolitic dome is a a type of structure that saves energy but is somewhat hostile toward square tables. And The Monolithic Dome Institute is a small plot of land dotted with these concrete domes, which people live in and work in.
The Institute, being the center of the dome-building world, houses the headquarters for the...
"Free" Video Rentals
Unless you use Netflix, you should only rent videos from the public library. You’ve already paid for them with your taxes, and most libraries have a pretty decent selection. I rented seven movies from the Richardson Public Library just now to take to Austin:
The Birth of a Nation
Jesus Christ Superstar
Flash Gordon Chapters 1 - 4
The Exorcist (The Version You’ve Never Seen)
The...
Having an Idealized Romance
This only works if you live near a college.
Find a classroom building on campus that has an attic that you can sneak into. Go there at night when nobody is in class. Walk around on the banisters, taking care not to rub aesbestos off of any bars you’re grabbing to keep your balance.
Find a spot somewhere near the middle of the attic that “feels right” to you. Kick out a ceiling...
Unpatriotic T-shirts
A T-shirt with a flaming American flag on it. Above the flag, it says: “I like America.” Below the flag, it says: “But I love fire.” That one’s mine. My brother made it for an iron-on T-shirt once, but he never mass produced it.
A T-shirt of an adorable kitten playing with an American flag. The slogan is, “Patriotism is Embarrassing.” That one’s...
Trash charity
A charity that takes things you don’t want but don’t want to throw out. It comes every Sunday and picks up all the stuff you put into their special orange box. Everyone assumes this will go to help the needy, or global warming victims or something, but the charity actually just throws the stuff out as soon as you’re not looking. This way you never have to feel like you’re...
Cookie Evasion
On Wednesday, I trained Ed - who works in the juice bar at Angelica Kitchen - to do my job, which is making to-go orders in the kitchen and answering the phone. One of the great things about working with Ed is that when it comes to customers (the entire reason that we’re there), he’s kind of a nihilist. His main goal is amusing himself. If taking something seriously is going to stress...
Narration thief
Take the narration of a narration-heavy movie (anything by Kubrick except for 2001, for instance) and isolate it. Read the narration over a few times, trying to forget the movie it came from, and develop a completely different story that makes sense with that same narration. Then make that movie. Finally, tweak the narration slightly so you don’t get sued.
Ideas From Carmichael Monaco
I received this submission from Carmichael Monaco on 11/16/05:
as i sit here, watching vh1 classics, wasting my education, hoping nobody remembers my sat scores, i’m flipping through my notebooks, finding lists and lists of ideas that i never did anything with.
i found:
a four-page outline of how i could unionize the kitchen workers,
a plan and list of classes for a skills exchange...
The Great Seaweed Heist
A low-paid Mexican immigrant at an upscale health food restaurant hatches a money-making scheme to smuggle out the restaurant’s priciest item - seaweed - and sell it at cut rate prices to desperate health fanatics.
Blogs as news
An online newspaper that treats personal blog entries as serious news stories. Oh wait, that’s the The World Star Gazette. Too bad Joe and I don’t update it anymore.
An answer to "My God, My God, why have you...
Jesus’s flaws were a daily reminder of God’s own failings, so God killed him.
The way things ought to be
For those of you who don’t read the comments, here are some brilliant ideas from Mira Weisenthal (with commentary by moi truly, bien sur):
what if it was expected that, in the same way some people choose to say english-appropriated words in the accents of the lands those words are originally from, when people would say names, they would have to use the accent of the place where that name...
The past, present and future, all in one photo
So you take a photo of your child every year of her life, starting at zero. But you take these photos in the same place, say a studio with a white background. And every year, you have the kid kind of reacting to either side of her, as if she is interacting with her year-younger self or her year-older self. Or even leaning over and looking across at her two year older self.
Then, after years and...
Someone makes a bold claim? Turn it around on...
If I had to review “Everything You Know is Wrong,” a book of essays by the usual gang of “iconoclasts,” my review would consist of only two sentences:
“It’s true, everything I know is wrong. Now that I’ve read this book.”
Guess I'm on a religious kick
A painting of the baby Jesus nailed to a cross, wearing a crown of thorns, suckling off the Virgin Mary. The Infant Jesus of Prague - a baby Jesus who wears a crucifix - inspired this one.