December 2005
85 posts
The Mousetrap Theory
The creation of our universe was all just because one god was trying to prove some minor point to another god. Like Hamlet’s Mousetrap, this first god was trying to “get” the other god, and hoped that when the other god witnessed the entire run of human existence, he would be mortified to see his own arrogant folly mirrored in our foibles.
Forget tidings... bring me kiddings!
It’s the holiday season, and that means people singing, “Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin.”
Wouldn’t it be so much better if it were, “Good kiddings we bring, to you and your kin”? Because there’s no warmer gift than a sweet, innocent kidding. Everybody laughs and nobody gets hurt.
Tidings, on the other hand, are empty and basically worthless....
The Ultimate Homophobe
A straight dude who is so homophobic about men, the idea of sleeping with someone who was partially created by a penis (any human hatched in the normal way) makes him queasy. Therefore, he will only sleep with women who never had fathers, but were rather created by scientifically combining the genes of two women.
A possible twist could be that such women don’t exist in the time this story...
How to make her melt in your arms
Greg Richardson, the expo at Angelica Kitchen, gave me some unsolicited relationship advice today: “When a woman asks for too much,” he said, “I just say, ‘Baby. I’m not your slave. Lincoln freed the slaves.’ But you have to say that in bed. Make sure you say that in bed.” Obviously I’ve never tried the line, but in theory, it sounds like a real...
The end of life, the beginning of a novel
A wanna-be writer decides at 35 that he’s ready. He’s accumulated enough experiences, and now it’s time to do nothing but write. He abruptly leaves the family he loves, quits his job, stops watching TV, and cuts off all contact with his relatives. He never goes out, never gets into another relationship, and never celebrates another holiday. For the next 40 years, he does nothing...
Chopsticks that can be used for everything
The big flaw in chopsticks for most hippies and internationalists, who would love to use them for everything, is that they’re not very good at spooning soup.
You could be a good, conscious citizen of the world and clean your entire plate with sticks, but once you stab and tweeze the hunks of tofu and noodles out of your bowl, you’re stuck with a bunch of broth that you’ll never...
An alternative to snookems
I think “Hiney Toes” would be a cute, lovey-dovey term of endearment for that special someone hiding under your bed. I’d sure as hell kick some ass if someone used it on me, though.
Chasing the idealized version of himself
While running to the bus, a man trips. In a Sliding Doors kind of way, but not really, an idealized version of himself who didn’t trip materializes. That one makes the bus.
This infuriates the flawed version of our hero, who was too clumsy to make it to the bus, and is just now getting back up. He chases after the bus, knowing that if he were flawless like he should be, he would have made...
Ancient Games
A company that re-develops and re-releases old board games and toys from the 19th century and earlier. For instance, in 1896, Parker Brothers released a board game called “Christian Endeavor: The Game.” Here were the instructions for it:
This is a simple game which may be played by the youngest member of the family, and its moral tone will commend itself to all those who desire to...
A Hero's Entrance
I wrote this idea in 2002; it’s the sort of thing that would have gone over well right after September 11, or Columbine: A rampaging criminal attacks a woman who calls on Jesus to protect her. “You believe in Jesus, huh?” the criminal mocks. “So where’s your God now?” He kicks her down, cocks his gun, and aims it at her. Just then, a machine gun toting hero appears out of the...
Post your trash on Craigslist free stuff
Every time you take out your garbage, post a notice on Craigslist free stuff with your address, even if it really is nothing but trash. Someone is bound to come.
Jobs by subway line
In cities with subways, there should be a Craigslist-like job search Web site that takes a map of the subway system and puts little $ graphics for every job listings, so you can see where your potential employment falls in reference to the subway lines before you apply.
This way, if you lived in Greenpoint, you could go up and down the G-line applying for jobs. If you worked at any of those...
The day that nobody died
A novel about a day where not a single person on earth died. True, some animals and insects died on that day, but that’s not what the novel’s about.
George W. Bush: The Prophet
You know how “experimental artists” take videos of George W. Bush giving speeches and edit them to make him say things like “I’m… an… evil… devil. I… want… to… destroy… the… world” as Bush’s head jerks back and forth on every blatant cut?
Joseph Weisenthal thinks it would be funny to edit a video of a George W....
Note Taking Hologram Shield
A holographic image that covers your body when you need to take an idea note. The image is of yourself doing what you were previously doing before you reached for your notepad. That way, you can take your notes without being worried about annoying people or arousing curiosity.
Two modern day Romeo & Juliet stories
Mine is a Romeo and Juliet story about two lovers who are made for each other, and aren’t star-crossed. However, their friends and family are always trying to talk them out of each other. Not because of tragic family strife. Just because they want them to be careful and not risk their futures. Despite the small odds and how little there is at stake, the relatively unburdened lovers still end...
Movie you're meant to pause
While watching “Me and You and Everyone We Know,” Mira Weisenthal and I got into an argument about whether a single painting deserves as much attention as a movie. Mira believes that art musuems should have only five pieces of art. Each piece of art, after all, merits about two hours of study and contemplation.
I made the perhaps over-obvious point that a single two hour movie could...
Trapped on a ghost train
Two people waiting in the subway for their train watch as an empty “Out of Service” train with its lights out zooms by without stopping. All but empty, that is, for in the very last car - which has its lights flickering on and off - a trapped young man pounds on the windows and screams for help.
Too much evidence, God
A world where God’s existence and the Bible’s historical accuracy are in evidence everywhere and completely indisputable. People are constantly digging up hunks of Noah’s Ark, pieces from the Tower of Babel, and whatnot. Adam and Eve, John the Baptist’s head, and every other Biblical character whose body wasn’t utterly decimated are perfectly preserved in museums...
Help, I'm In An Art Movie!
A movie called “Help, I’m in An Art Movie!”
Thought of this while watching “Me and You and Everyone We Know.” Even though I really liked it.
Intellectually stingy writer
An endlessly fascinating writer with a vibrant internal life comes across as a crushing bore to everyone he meets because he’s terrified of idea theft and refuses to share any of his wit or sharp observations with the world, except through his writing. Problem is, he never finishes anything he writes.
Kind of like a brilliant pool hustler who intentionally plays horribly until he dies.
Direction indicating street signs
Minus and plus symbols on street signs indicating whether you are traveling North or South. The plus symbol would always face South, but would indicate North. So, if you were walking or driving toward a plus sign, you’d know you were going North. If you were walking toward a minus sign, then, you’d know you were going South. East and West, though? Aww, those directions are pointless...
Turned Food Diet
A diet in which you eat slightly “turned” foods before every meal. They’re not so far gone as to make you puke, but they upset your stomach just enough so that you don’t really feel like eating anymore.
Better Showers
Joseph Weisenthal would like there to be a shower that lets you flip a switch that adds diluted soap into the water. Preferably Dr. Bronners. That way, instead of fumbling with a soap bottle, spilling some all over the floor, and then throwing yourself down onto the shower floor just to mop it up so you don’t waste it, you can just sit in the water and rub your hands all over yourself,...
Twin Fallout
Two identical twins, one doesn’t really date, and the other is sexually liberated. The first twin thinks the other should consult with her before she sleeps with anyone, especially if it’s people she knows. “I mean, come on, all those boys know what I look like naked now!”
[Update, suggested by Rachel: One of the twins is a porn star, the other is the president]
Prayer Delay
This idea comes from Billy-Bob:
i like the idea of an imperfect god. one that lacks omnipotence especially. thought of a story where there’s 17 year delay for prayers to reach god and his actions to reach you. the protagonist turns 27 and inadvertantly wins a lifetime supply of twizzlers. thing is, he’s a vegan and doesn’t eat any. all of his dates are with hot girls but they...
God can't make 'em all
If you have a kid who is handicapped physically or mentally, the need to tell them that they’re special goes without saying. Understandably, most kids who are suffering the hassles of imperfect bodies are going to want more. “Everyone makes fun of me. Why am I so special, mommy?” So what you tell them is this:
God is a very busy man. He created Adam and Eve and the whole entire...
A Royal Fairytale... with a sinister twist
From Greg Newburn:
A trite movie about a midwestern girl who gets swept off her feet by a European prince, and who becomes queen. But immediately after her coronation, an angry mob decapiatates her, blaming the royal family for their economic woes.
Body Image New Yorker comics
Tonight, while watching a Victoria’s Secret Christmas ad, I thought of this one-panel comic, which seems like it could be in the New Yorker.
A manly, 30ish husband is drinking a beer and watching a Victoria’s Secret Christmas ad with his wife. “Jeez,” he says to her while staring at the TV. “This is giving me body-image issues.”
This reminded me of another New...
The Dopeller Effect
From Elisabeth Boehme:
Tell people that English is your second language (even when it’s your first or you’re fluent) just so you don’t have to follow rules of grammar, spelling, or even logic.
Oppressure
The 1913 Webster’s dictionary defines “Oppressure” as “Oppression.” Okay, that’s terrific for the burgeoning flappers and great depressioners, but in the 21st century, the word “Oppressure” has basically gone the way of sliced bread - it’s rancid, moldy, stale, and completely forgotton.
We should bring Oppressure back, but instead of using as...
The Ring
This one comes from Rachel Osier.
A man wants to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring so he can propose. He doesn’t know her ring size, though, so he tries various schemes, like getting a friend of hers to trick her into revealing it (“Let’s find out our ring sizes together!”).
She brilliantly sees through all the schemes, and keeps her ring size to herself, just to...
Here's an idea: a blog about ideas!
I have no problem with people using any idea of mine that I post here. Besides motivating myself to transcribe my notes and get working on the projects that I actually want to finish, that’s the point. But I never said anybody could steal the idea for this blog!
Then again, I never said they couldn’t. So now comes…
NewIdeaBlog.com
It’s been around for a few days, and has...
Inspired by Divorce Court
Woman suspects her man is cheating when he says he’s working out at the gym every day, but after months of this is as wimpy as ever.
Hot Balloons
A movie like Sliding Doors that has a break in reality when a woman has to choose whether or not to get on a hot air balloon. In one reality, she gets on the balloon, and in the other version she’s too scared. This leads to one reality where she gets crippled from a hot air balloon accident, and another version where she goes on to be a world-traveling supermodel… with a heart.
How...
Dream weaver
What happens if you fall asleep while praying and keep your hands clasped throughout the night? Do your dreams get transmitted to God? And if so, does he decode the symbolism and grant the subconscious wishes they express?
A theory of insomnia
Last night I was having trouble sleeping. And as I tossed and turned, it occurred to me that maybe the reason was that (besides usually not going to sleep until 5 a.m.) I was refusing to leave the day behind me. In some sense I felt there was unfinished business in the day. I was still attached to the day. I hadn’t mentally accepted that the day was over and it was time to move on.
So I...
Fore-skin and Seven Years Ago
A movie called Foreskin and Seven Years Ago. Just kidding, it wouldn’t be called that. That’s a horrible pun that doesn’t make any sense.
Whatever the title, it would be about a guy who has felt incomplete all of his adult life because he was shorn of his foreskin as a young kid. He sees people whose limbs have been blown off - armless people, legless people, people whose...
When to wake a sleep talker
A sleeptalker falls asleep with his hands clasped. He ends up saying a bunch of bizarre, random things in his sleep, but God misinterprets them as a prayer and tries to respond to them all. Thus, the guy ends up with a tentacle on his forehead, his house is flooded with jam, and everyone in his town is dead. There are other things too. His sleeptalk prayer ruins his life.
Secretly mock strangers
Say really mean things to strangers, but only in your head. And don’t mean it.
By the way, how does your mind differentiate between a thought you simply have, and a thought you actually agree with? Is it the difference between thinking “move your left leg” and actually moving the leg?
The Murderer Replaces His Victim (in a...
Dump the previous idea into a Psychological Thriller and you have a movie about a murderer who studies a girl meticulously before he kills her. Then, once she’s dead, the murderer tries to become her, terrorizing her surviving boyfriend with a warped version of his lost love.
It’s weird when I have ideas like this, because I know I could never write a psychological thriller.
Secret enemies
Not that I’m usually paranoid about such things, but my last entry got me thinking about this. I wonder what’s the closest anyone has ever been to intentionally killing me, or really wanting me dead. There has to have existed, at some point in my life, a peak in someone’s desire to see the end of me. Even if it was a relatively low peak.
When could it have been? Recently? In...
Invincible mean people
A much worse world would be one in which people become invincible by sheer virtue of being evil. Already, really dastardly people like to present themselves as invulnerable, because if they play upon your fears brilliantly enough, they basically are. And in movies, psycho killers never seem to rest. Though they always have some weak spot.
But just imagine a world where rapists and murderers...
Lottery Casino Game
Inspired by Joe’s randomized number idea - telling people five numbers and asking them to guess the sixth even though the five numbers follow no pattern whatsoever - which he wanted to turn into a Casino game, I thought it might be interesting to have a casino game based on the lottery. You put your chips down on six different numbers out of 50 on the table. Then they have ping pong balls in...
Nail Clipper Killer
A stop-motion animated short about a terrorist who takes down a plane with just a pair of nail scissors, the kind they take away from you if they catch it in your carry-on. The style is inspired by this silent German stop motion animation short my brother showed me. So there’s no dialogue.
It opens with the terrorist going through security. He’s blond haired, green-eyed, and has a...
Herr Korbes
An animated short film based on the Brothers Grimm story Herr Korbes. It’s so short, I can quote the entire thing here:
Once upon a time there were a rooster and a hen who wanted to take a journey together. So the rooster built a handsome carriage with four red wheels, and hitched four mice to it. The hen climbed aboard with the rooster, and they drove away together.
Not long afterward they...
A couple of wimpy, deluded characters
While waiting in line for security at JFK International Airport a few weeks ago, I eavesdropped on the conversation of two people standing behind me. One - a tall, thin 40-ish man with brown hair and a leather laptop bag - had seemed boring and sedate for most of our journey toward the metal detectors. He was the kind of guy who should be riding first class, if only he made that much money.
With...
Angler Fish philosophizing
Supposedly, a lot of things happen in a single “New York minute.” But how much happens in a deep sea ocean minute?
It Came From the Bronx
An animated short that opens on a group of New York hipsters on a relatively empty northbound 6 express subway train. They’re talking about indie music, the films they’re working on, clothes they’ve sold, things they’ve thrown and whatnot. They’ve distracted themselves so fully that they don’t notice when they get to their stop, 125th street, the final stop in...
Taking "don't do anything I wouldn't do" a mite...
His roommate is going out of town. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” the roommate says with a wink. “Okay,” he responds as his roommate shuts the apartment door behind him.
In the next scene, he sleeps with his roommate’s girlfriend.