October 2006
14 posts
Real-Estate Humor
A black T-shirt with white lettering that says: “Zoning Variance.”
You know, cause you’re a rebel. You don’t buy into the system or the machine, or anything of that sort. The subtext to this shirt (now this is implied, and not actually written on the shirt), is “The United States didn’t plan for someone like me. But here I am. And I didn’t ask...
Fly on the Wall, Inc.
A program that lets you watch and listen in at public gatherings from the comfort of the security camera monitor room. With hidden mics and cameras everywhere, you can zoom in on and hear any person, group, or conversation. Writers and the curious would pay to hang out in security and do this.
A riff on "Lousy" T-shirts
From my dad comes these two T-shirt ideas:
One shirt would say, “My parents elected George Bush president, and all I got was this lousy war.”
Another would say, “My parents went to Egypt but all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Actually, it’s 100 percent fine cotton, fit’s perfectly, and is quite comfortable.”
The former reminds me of a bumper sticker idea I...
Caste-Conscious Cafe
An elegant cafe called “Cafe Brahman.” Slogan: “Only For the Upper-Cruste.”
Internet Cafe that is a Jellyfish Aquarium
I’ve found very little more soothing and inspiring than watching jellyfish. I’d buy them, but apparently they don’t live very long and are expensive to maintain. So I wish there were an internet cafe with jellyfish aquariums all over the place, so I could watch them while I write. Even an internet cafe that were a normal aquarium would be nice. All fish are pretty inspiring.
No-Kill Hunting
A place you can go to hunt exotic animals without killing them. Modeled after the infamous spots where you can shoot a rhino meandering by while standing safely behind a fence, this place would have all the coolest zoo animals that people want to kill: lions, giraffes, apes, zebras, African Wild Dogs, white tigers, Asian elephants, vultures, leopards, hungry hippos, flamingos and everything else....
Indie I-MAX theatre
An I-MAX theater for cool indie and foreign films that are shot in the I-MAX format. Of course, no indie films are shot on I-MAX film now, but maybe if there was a theater for it, people would start.
A '50s pasttime taken too far
A game of chicken (two cars race toward each other head on to test who, if anyone, is scared enough to swerve away) where one person is so determined not to swerve away from the other car no matter what, when the other driver swerves away and thus becomes a chicken, the non-chicken driver spins his car around, slams on the gas, and pursues the chicken driver, smashing him from behind.
The chicken...
Loogie surprise
A homeless person asks for money from a passerby. The passerby stops, snorts some snot, and brings it to his throat. The homeless guy squints his eyes and pulls back, ready for the inevitable loogie. But instead, the passerby spits the loogie on a haughty, well dressed rich couple walking by. The homeless guy likes this even better than money.
A health-conscious supernatural killer
Smokers, fast food lovers, alcoholics, trans-fat eaters, and people who hate exercise are all victims of a supernatural killer who kills anyone who dares not exhibit healthy behavior. The instant you stick a cigarette, a chip, a fry, a beer, or anything of that sort into your mouth, you’re a goner. Tagline: “This time you will eat just one.”
"Jessica!"
Two parents, dressed all fancy, are in Brooklyn, driving to a family dinner. The father drives, and the mother is the passenger. Their little daughter, Jessica, is at home in Manhattan.
From where they are driving, they can see the Manhattan skyline. Suddenly, the south half of Manhattan sinks underwater, tipping the north half of the island straight into the air, like a sinking ship. The...
A superhero with a weakness for thought
A superhero who is invincible and unstoppable in every way, lightning fast, strong as a thousand oxes, master criminals shudder in his presence, and all that stuff. He has one serious weakness, though. When he thinks, he freezes in place. He can’t even blink again until he stops thinking. Which is hard, because once you start thinking, you get in a vicious thoughtful cycle, and even...
Peep show with a cute name
There should be a seedy peep show place called “Oh, for Peep’s Sake!”
Masturbation Shirt
From Joe Weisenthal:
A T-shirt so long that it goes past your knees, with “I’m Masturbating Under Here” written on it. If only Dan Hoyt, the famous raw food subway masturbator, had owned one of these!
In my version, the T-shirt only has one arm hole.