June 2008
24 posts
What ISN'T the last refuge of the scoundrel?
It seems scoundrels will take refuge in anything that remains. As Joseph Weisenthal pointed out today in a dietary debate, “Fiber is the last refuge of the scoundrel.” I amended that to: “Fiber is the last roughage of the scoundrel.” Kind of like saying “fiber is the last fiber of the scoundrel,” but it still works as a play on words.
Monag à trois
Here’s a dialog exchange with another play on words that has no actual meaning:
“Cheat on your girlfriend with me.” “I can’t. I’m a monogamist.” “So let’s have a monag à trois.”
As a bonus, here’s a slightly revised cliche that I wasn’t going to post because google shows someone named “Motherboard” came up with...
Lament of an unsuccessful human
“My parents didn’t have high hopes. Their only expectation was for me to be a person who was alive and looked like them. And I failed them even at that.”
Glasses With an Extra Lens for the Third Eye
This is the sort of idea someone would have to mock something they don’t understand. So I admit it’s dumb, and I’m probably not the first to think of it, but I had this idea today and for some reason I wasn’t willing to let it disappear into nothingness.
It’s prescription glasses with the usual two lenses in front of the eyes, but then also a third tiny lens above...
Regional House of Pancakes
From Diablo Cody comes the best idea ever:
“I just had the best idea ever: ‘Regional House of Pancakes.’ Locally grown produce, throwin’ down daily with IHOP.”
This would certainly be popular with the anti-globalization buy local types, who feel too guilty about underpaid children in China slaving over hot waffle irons to eat at the International House of Pancakes.
...
A Revised Happiest Country on Earth Survey Skewed...
The Happiest Country On Earth Surveys are annoying because without fail they award a Scandinavian country the top spot every year (Denmark or Iceland, generally) and dump The United States in the lower twenties. That is because these surveys don’t measure our brain chemicals to determine how happy we are. They measure factors that the survey designers subjectively believe should cause...
Absolut Power
From Greg Newburn comes this idea for a new Absolut Vodka product and slogan:
Absolut should come out with a vodka called “Power,” and use this advertising campaign: “Absolut Power: It Corrupts Absolutly.” I’d buy it.
Using Circular Logic to Find a Defendant Guilty
“Someone who would do something that horrible is obviously guilty.”
Sixty Story Skyscraper With One Floor
It would be a skyscraper, but instead of having sixty floors, it would have a ground floor and a breath-takingly high ceiling.
Financially it would be a complete disaster if you tried to rent it out as a single apartment. Though people are willing to pay a premium for high ceilings, you wouldn’t be able to charge one person as much for a skyscraper with a high ceiling as if you had hundreds...
A Piano Ditty Called "Cleaning Lady"
This would be a song played on piano by a cleaning woman who is dusting it off. It would seem random at first, because it’s just the duster cleaning off keys. But the randomness would finally come together into a coherent melody.
Instigate Evolution on Other Planets
This article about whether there is any form of life on Mars made me think NASA’s approach is all wrong. Instead of analyzing Mars soil and hoping to find microbes that currently exist there, NASA should be bringing the microbes. I’m sure germs and bacteria and worms and flies and parasites can survive on Mars; they just haven’t had the chance because they’ve never been...
"Make America Penniless" campaign
A good campaign-defining cause for anyone running for federal office is abolition of the penny. Pennies are completely useless, far more hassle than they’re worth, and they’re not getting any cheaper to make. If you’re a candidate running on an abolish the penny platform, which you should be if you’re running for office, the best capaign slogan to express this would be,...
A confusing T-shirt tackling the theme of...
A T-shirt that says “Hindsight is 50/50” and has a picture of a half-filled glass of water on it. This is a shirt that would prompt confusion, while at least seeming to make some sense.
Vegetable Flavored Breath Spray
Broccoli, Carrot, and Spinach flavored breath sprays for meat eaters who are going out with vegetarians.
If You Could Choose the Specific Monkey You...
I once heard a girl say that if only we had evolved from Bonobo chimps, there would be no war, because the Bonobos are matriarchal and women don’t believe in fighting. I don’t think I said anything, but what I SHOULD have said was, “Well *I* wish we had evolved from Baboons, so I could moon you with my big pink butt!”
War of the Embassies
Somtimes I’ll hear some screaming outside, and it’s people protesting the Chinese Embassy in Manhattan. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but I’m sure it’s about Tibet. It’s the kind of protest that wouldn’t go over very well in China itself, so I thought it would be funny if the people at the Chinese Embassy thought they had as much power in New...
Extravagant Game Show on Public Television
An extravagant game show that gives tons and tons of money to contestants for answering easy questions. But it’s not funded by advertising, only government money.
I would also like to see a game show that allows each contestant to go back in time once to re-answer a question they got wrong.
A Comic Book Villain named "The Jinx"
I have a sense there is a comic villain named “The Jinx,” but here’s my two takes on what an arch villain named The Jinx should be like:
1. The Jinx goes around to people in semi-precarious situations, telling them their slightly risky activity couldn’t possibly fail, but of course by telling them this, he jinxes them and it does fail. He uses this disaster as a diversion...
One T-shirt's new take on a hoary cliche
If it’s too good to be true… find a more realistic definition for good.
A thought-provoking retort to "God knows..."
If you ask someone a question like, “How late are you going to be out tonight?” but they don’t know the answer and so they say, “God knows,” a good retort would be: “If God knows, then do you really have free will?”
Yes I WOULD Rather Be Complaining
Back on February 6, 2008, I posted a list of phrases that Joseph Weisenthal and I came up with for T-shirts and bumper stickers, in an entry titled I’d Rather Be Complaining. Actually, the entry was titled, “I May be Slow, But I’m Fasting,” but “I’d Rather Be Complaining” was one of the ideas. It turns out someone took notice of that entry and took...
The "I Didn't Mean it THAT Way!" Guy
From Joseph Weisenthal (If Joe keeps it up, I’m going to have to rename Idea Provice “Joseph Weisenthal Province”!) comes an idea for a Saturday Night Live character: The “I Didn’t Mean it THAT Way!” Guy.
The “I Didn’t Mean it THAT Way!” Guy is a talkative pervert who projects his tendency to see sexual innuendo in everything onto his...
I Don't Like You Looking At Those Maps
A woman in a very controlling marriage buys a map of the world and puts it on her wall one day. Whenever she’s feeling especially depressed, she looks at all the places in the world, and she feels better. The map makes her husband very nervous, and one day it’s gone. When she asks her husband where it went, he at first denies knowing anything about a map. Eventually he admits he took...
A T-shirt for Chess Players Lacking Material
From Joseph Weisenthal comes this chess-themed T-shirt or bumper sticker:
“It’s Not About How Much Material You Have, It’s About Your Piece Activity”.
If you play chess, you knoooow what he’s talking about.
Forever Deformed
Someone with a bunch of deformities is excited about dying to escape his body’s flaws. But when he dies, he finds out that all those deformities – skin rashes, club foot, etc – were on his soul too.
Logically Gay T-Shirt
“If All the Best Ones Are Gay, I Guess I Must Be Gay”