July 2008
24 posts
Cold Spot Coffee Shop
An underground coffee shop with no wi-fi that also has thick concrete walls to keep any other potential wi-fi signals out. For people who want to write and not be distracted by the internet. It could also be called Dead Zone Tea.
A Modest Proposal to Improve the Tour De France
From Ron Southan:
Have the Tour de France riders carry small napalm packets on them so if they crash and fall they also burst into flames! This should help make the race popular with NASCAR fans.
A Case for World Government
It would be nice to have a canal cutting through the entire United States, approximately in the middle. This way cargo ships wouldn’t have to go all the way down to Panama and back up again to get from one half of the U.S. to the other. Plus, it would create a safety buffer between the North and the South in case things go sour again.
I guess Panama was chosen originally because it’s...
Lotto Shirt
From Ron Southan comes this T-shirt slogan which implies that buying a winning lottery ticket is only a matter of having a good memory:
“Remind Me to Buy the Winning Lottery Ticket”
If someone makes this shirt and it becomes popular, rip-offs will no doubt proliferate: “Remind Me to Buy the Winning Lottery Ticket (and be sure to tell me what the numbers will be, in case I...
Double Open Jaw
A thriller called Double Open Jaw. It’s about a man wrongly accused of espionage because of the suspiciousness of his travel plan. In his initial flight, he flies from Country A to Country B. You would think for his return flight, he would then fly back from Country B to Country A. Yet his return flight is inexplicably from Country C to Country D! Not a single country is the same! The FBI...
Innocent... With Punishment
The justice system offers juries only two possibilities: innocent (you go free) and guilty (you go to jail). These are matters of the gravest importance to society, and there’s only two options? It’s a coin flip!
That’s why I think there should be a third option: “Innocent (With Punishment)”. This is when the jury members all agree that the defendant is innocent of...
Party to Live, Don't Live to Party
Today I saw someone wearing a shirt that said, “I Live to Party”. Combine that with Ben Franklin’s advice that you should “eat to live, not live to eat”, and you get a more prudent T-shirt: “Party to Live, Don’t Live to Party.”
To be even more exemplary, you could take this advice to its esoteric extreme: “Live to Live, Don’t Live to...
An "I Always Wanted to Say That" T-shirt
A T-shirt that says, “I Always Wanted to Say That”. You’d have to be a real smartass to wear this.
Either a joke or a riddle about Jesus
I don’t like Jesus jokes because it’s just too easy to mock the poor man, but this joke I came up with today is arguably more of a riddle than anything else.
Riddle Teller: Why did Jesus fast for 40 days and 40 nights?
Riddle Victim: Why?
Riddle Teller: Because that’s how long a month was back then.
A real head-scratcher, eh?
How to pick a name for a child
Recently a stranger emailed me to ask how I felt about having my name. She was thinking of naming her son “Rhys” and she wanted to ask a grown-up Rhys was it was like to go through childhood, teenagerdom, young adulthood and full on adulthood with such a name. Was I mocked for it? Respected? I said I loved being a Rhys, so she’s going to name her son Rhys. If I’d described...
Required Celibacy for Supreme Court Justices
In order to be truly unbiased and only focus on upholding the constitution, it just seems like you ought to be celibate.
Set-up, set-up... PUNCHLINE!!
A three panel comic strip about two people talking.
Person One/Panel One: “I wish I’d lived in another era.”
Person Two/Panel Two: “Ooooh, yeah, like the roaring twenties? Or the Enlightenment!”
Person One/Panel Three: “Whatever. Just as long as I was already dead.”
You Break It, You Bought It: The Street Store
This seems like something a con artist in a New York movie from the 80s would have done, so somebody has probably already thought of this one. But since the point of this blog is to aggregate every idea ever thought of, I’m adding it.
A good business would be selling crystal and other expensive looking breakables on the street in Manhattan. It would actually be worthless junk with the...
Brian Gawalt Brings Ideas to Life
Brian Gawalt read my idea for a three panel comic - Set-up, set-up… PUNCHLINE!! - and unlike some people (you, me… everyone basically), he executed the idea! Aside from actually making it into something, he improved upon the basic idea, changing “The Enlightenment” to “The Age of Reason,” which is much catchier. I hope Brian doesn’t sue me if I re-post the...
Oh, That Senile Scamp!
I’ve seen scenes in movies where an old man will say something that betrays senility, and his middle-aged child will roll her eyes and make some comment about how out of touch he is. The conversation would go something like…
Old Man: They’re just recruiting everyone and their mother for this war in Iraq! I hope they don’t raise the draft age to 90. I have a bum knee!
...
New Twist on "I'm With Stupid"
From Ron Southan comes a new twist on two different T-shirts:
We see all the t-shirts pregnant women wear with the big arrow pointing to their belly saying “Baby”. How bout one that says “I’m With Stupid”? I mean, baby’s aren’t very smart.
Just turn that “I’m With Stupid” arrow 45 degrees, and you have a much more clever shirt....
Symbolizing Futility with a Cakewalk Gone Awry
n the script I’m working on now, I had a scene in which a cakewalk symbolizes futility. But it was too symbolic, so I cut it. I still like the idea, though, so I don’t want to completely waste it.
In case you don’t know, a cakewalk is a carnival game, often played in elementary school. A bunch of pieces of paper with numbers on them form a circle, and you pick a number to start...
The Bright Side Of Talking About Ideas As If They...
It’s generally thought to be depressing when people have an idea together, or even multiple ideas, and they talk excitedly about doing them, but they never actually do. “Look at these poor deluded souls having these grand plans and never accomplishing anything,” cynical observers say. “Sad. So sad.”
But they’re looking at it the wrong way. Talking about doing...
Coffee Shops With Isolation Booths
I like writing at coffee shops, but I would like them a lot more if they had isolation booths so that you could shut yourself away and say your characters’ dialog out loud as you were writing… without making a fool of yourself, which is currently what happens if you recite your dialog aloud at a coffee shop. I would even buy two coffees for this simulated absolute solitude.
The Gay Lesbian
Here’s a character for a sketch comedy show: The Gay Lesbian.
It would be a lesbian with the personality of a fabulously flamboyant gay man. She’s attracted to women, just like any lesbian, but she has an exaggerated “gay lisp” (not that I believe such a thing exists), a humorous over-the-top bitchiness (always calling people out on their B.S. with a scathing yet hilarious...
Suspension of Disbelief as a Converting Tactic
When people watch movies, they’re often forced to suspend their disbelief in various improbabilities (time travel, parallel universes, cold fusion, x-ray vision, an underdog sports team winning) in order to enjoy the story. So couldn’t religious people use this to get atheists to suspend their disbelief in God?
It might have to be a movie that lasts a lifetime sort of thing, since the...
T-Shirt Lamenting a Marriage Gone Sour
A T-shirt for couples about to get divorced. It says, “What Happened To Us? We Used to Be So Happy.”
Opposite Fireworks Day
The fireworks are over and now we have to wait another year to see them. But not if we institute Opposite Fireworks Day. This would take place every January 27. It’s the opposite of July 4 because January is on the flip side of the calendar from July, and by subtracting 4 from 31 you get the opposite of 4, 27. Incidentally, this is also my brother’s birthday.
But it wouldn’t...
Global Warming T-shirt Debate
A T-shirt that says “Real Americans Fear Global Warming.” The picture would be of a clean-cut patriotic child with her hand over her heart (reciting the pledge of allegiance), severely sunburned and sweating profusely.
The counterpoint to this shirt would say “Real Americans Doubt Global Warming,” and the picture would be the same clean-cut patriotic child reciting the...