Whenever someone makes a Freudian slip, instead of invoking Freud’s name, it would be a little less cliche if you attach “ian” to the name of the person who slipped. Like, “Whoa, was that a Rhysian slip?” Or “Ha! Ianian slip!”
Another nice thing about this is that it removes the “subconscious motives seeping though unintentionally” aspect of “Freudian slip,” simplifying it to be: “you use words incorrectly.”
2 years agoPork skin is fried and packaged as a snack food, so why not bones? As far as I know, the only bones humans can eat are fish bones, like from sardines and salmon, so it would be a package filled with the bones that would otherwise have gone wasted from fillets of these smaller fishies. It would be a crunchy and high-calcium snack, but I don’t know how filling it would be. Are there calories in bones?
2 years ago“I don’t tan…” (image of a cow hide being tanned for leather) “… I burn.” (image of a cow being roasted in a pit)
The sort of shirt you’d give or re-gift to someone, but never buy for yourself.
2 years agoI had an idea for a skit about a private detective whose growth was stunted by a Gary Coleman-esque Kidney disorder, making the detective appear to be an innocent kid, when really he’s a grizzled adult. He would work undercover, using himself as bait to attract child molesters, and then bust them.
Then someone informed me that The X-Files had an episode that used pretty much that same idea, except that it was a woman, and she was a vigilante who killed the molesters.
I should have watched more X-Files, I guess. I only remember the episode where the kid could control stop lights, and the one with the circus freaks.
2 years agoMyth 1: Drunk driving requires intense concentration and utilizes special portions of your brain more intensely; as a side-effect, you won’t get a hangover the next day if you do it.
Myth 2 (with assists from Brooke Moreland and Miles Southan): The only reason drunk driving is dangerous is that drunks can’t see through the lampshade on their head. Just cut eyeholes in the shade, and there’s no reason not to drive.
2 years agoWant to be a party hijacker? Joe Weisenthal has an idea for you.
Every time you’re invited to a party, buy a bunch of miracle berries (West African berries that make sour foods taste sweet) and fill a backpack with sour foods like lemons, tamarind, rhubarb, grapefruits, and limes. Go to the party and hang out like an average anonymous party-goer for a few minutes, just to get a sense of the lame party “Before.”
Then you bust out the miracle fruit. Explain them to a the people around you, let one or two of them try it first, word will spread, and soon you’ve completely transformed your friend’s (probably generic) party into a flavor tripping party, hosted by you.
As Joe points out, the original host of the party can’t really complain, since his party just got a hell of a lot more interesting. But he’ll feel conflicted as he watches his guests surround you, asking you what miracle berries are and how they work, and squealing at you after they chug lemon juice like it was Sunny D. The original host probably never even heard of a miracle berry before; he’ll have little choice but to sheepishly hide in a corner as you make friends with everyone there.
Do this enough, and you’ll become known as The Miracle Berry Guy. Party hosts will know that if they invite you, you will inevitably take over their party with your miraculously sweet lemons. They’ll be tempted not to invite you for that reason, but they know their guests will be upset if you don’t show up, so they’ll have to invite you anyway. You’ll own every party in the city.
2 years agoThis is similar to my idea about Only Liking the First 20 Minutes of Juno. Since everyone agrees that Twin Peaks goes downhill after Laura Palmer’s killer is revealed halfway through season two, it would be cool to be someone who only liked the second half of season two, and absolutely hated the pilot episode. It would be hard, but if you could pull it off, you might get quite a few quizzical looks out of it.
2 years agoA “Nothing Like The Holidays” sort of Christmas movie, except about a Jewish family that celebrates Christmas, or at least the present-swapping aspect of it (unlike Christians, they don’t believe in Santa Claus).
They invite all their family over, which includes a variety of colorful characters, including an Aunt who hates Christmas and doesn’t understand how any self-respecting Jew could celebrate it.
Of course, the thrust of the movie would be the generic family subplots that you would see in any of these movies, like the aging spinster that everyone is pressuring to get married, and a Christmas tree fire.
2 years agoA setting that makes your computer monitor only readable if you’re wearing special glasses, so you can privately write in public.
2 years agoA live, half-hour television program of me at a desk, trying to think of ideas. If I have some ideas, great. If not, hopefully you had a few ideas of your own while you were watching me think.
2 years agoA homeless man in Harlem, digging in a dumpster for food, finds a Columbia graduation robe. He keeps it, thinking he can sell it, but he finds that nobody wants to buy a graduation robe that he found in a dumpster. That night, he gets caught in the rain. Soaked, and with nothing else to change into, he puts on the robe. The second he zips it up, he becomes a genius. The robe is magical! He’s able to get a well-paid job, an apartment in Gramercy Park and a girlfriend who loves him, all thanks to the robe, but there’s a catch. When he takes it off, he’s of average intelligence again, which means he has to wear it all the time.
So of course there are a lot of situations where co-workers and his new friends and his girlfriend are encouraging him to take off the robe, and he has to keep coming up with excuses for why he can’t take it off, like that he’s sensitive to tight clothing, or that he’s naked underneath. And naturally, one day the robe gets destroyed in the wash (his girlfriend puts in too much bleach, turning it white) and all hell breaks lose as he tries to function in his new life as his old self. But he finds out that all along, the robe just gave him confidence - the intelligence was inside all along.
A similar idea: Someone is at a doctor’s office and accidentally knocks the doctor’s Ivy League diploma off the wall. It smashes onto his head, transforming him into a genius. Since you can’t have conflict if he’s a genius all the time forever, you’d have to manufacture a catch to go with this one.
2 years agoChildren’s book about a family that invents all of their own holidays, rituals and spiritual beliefs, and the chaos and isolation that ensues. At the end, they decide to immerse themselves into the culture of their community, as arbitrary and irrational as it may be.
2 years agoFrom John French in Austin, Texas:
2 years agoa classic film version of the Faust story - ‘Spoused’ - a man sells his soul for a hot demanding wife only to find himself neck deep in diapers and community disgust. not like mr. mom, more like if luis bunuel remade mr. mom.
the humorous main character can find solace only in serial killing at night to petetion the darklord for a recount.
good luck with this gold.
It’s common Hollywood practice to take the outlines of classic stories and impose them into a high school setting. I’d like to see a typical high school movie plot play out in an elementary school.
2 years ago