Ensuring a Healthy, Moral, Productive Marriage
In states that don’t allow same-sex marriages (Texas, for instance), there should be a law requiring that just before the Priest, Rabbi, Judge, or Secular Humanist Friend pronounces a couple married, he or she should take the couple behind a screen, command them to disrobe, and make sure once and for all that the people about to be married have opposite genetalia.
If the couple passes the last minute genetalia compatability test, the priest/rabbi/judge/secular humanist friend will let them get dressed again, bring them back onto the platform, and make a speech to this effect:
“The two people who stand before you today have so much in common that only one thing separates them. And that thing is their genetalia. Yet, though most differences drive people apart, it is this one, special, vital difference that brings them together here today. For a penis fits into a vagina. And a vagina can be penetrated by a penis. Like a plug and a light socket, God molded this couple [note: “nature molded this couple,” if this is a secular-humanist friend] to fit into each other perfectly. It is this physical difference that allows them, once they have finally consummated their marriage, to transform into one symbiotic human being. It is my pleasure, nay, my duty, to bind them together forever and ever. I now pronounce you ‘man and wife.’ You may kiss the bride.”
And then they kiss, usual stuff, blah, blah, blah, honeymoon, etc. etc.
Now, if the couple doesn’t pass the genetalia test, if they somehow made it this far with the same genetalia, vainly hoping that the person marrying them was going to forget about the test, this is where it gets interesting.
The crest-fallen marrying person tells the shameful, all-too-similar-couple to put their clothes back on. He then takes them back to the platform and gives this much more tragic speech:
“A penis cannot fit into another penis. And a vagina can not be penetrated by another vagina. So it is tonight that to my shock and dismay, and with a heavy heart, I have witnessed firsthand, with my own eyes, that it is physically impossible for this couple to ever become emotionally one with each other. The only pronouncement I can offer is that this marriage has no hope for happiness, no hope for love, and no hope for children. I cannot marry these two people as their genetalia stands today.”
Then, if it is a male-male couple, they will both be forced to marry the first two women in the audience who stand up. Or, if it is a woman-woman couple, they will be forced to marry the first two men in the audience who stand up.
Naturally.
HOWEVER. Since even states like Texas can admit that having violently opposed genetalia is no guarantee of a happy, productive, moral marriage, the priest/rabbi/judge/secular humanist friend should also use a soul mate level detecting device to make sure that the people getting married are, indeed, the best possible people in the entire world for each other.
If they aren’t each other’s only perfect match, the marriage should be immediately called off.
If one or both of them have more than one perfect match in the world, that’s another issue.
6 years ago