General Anesthesia For Haircuts
I wish hair salons administered general anesthesia to the clients before their trim. Not because a haircut is painful (though today mine involved some brutal comb swipes on my ear), but so that you wouldn’t have to sit there for an hour, awake, talking to the hair cutter.
What if you had to be awake during open heart surgery? The worst part wouldn’t be the pain or having to see your insides, it would be the inane chit-chat: “So are you from New York?” “Well, no, I grew up in Texas.” “Really? Where?” “A suburb of Dallas.” “You don’t have an accent.” “I know, most people don’t have an accent there.” “Huh. I’ve never been to Texas.” “Yeah?” “Is it dusty there?”
Dude, just fix my heart! If you mess up because you’re distracted by my lack of a Texas accent, I won’t be able to have an accent at all because I’ll be dead!
Wouldn’t it be nice to sit down in that barber chair, say what you want your hair to look like, suck on some gas and pass out, and then wake up (apparently) one second later and see your hair just how you wanted it? No more awkwardness for you while you’re sitting there with nothing to do, and no more distractions for the stylist, who can focus all her attention where it belongs: your hair.
Another advantage: when the desired end comes about immediately rather than gradually, it’s more impressive. This way, it’s like, “I want a faux-hawk.” And one second later - BAM! - you have a faux-hawk! WOW! It’s not as exciting when you see the faux-hawk gradually coming together over an hour, because you have time to get used to it.
Taking anesthesia to teleport to the best part makes life like a commercial where through the magic of stop motion techniques, everything you want suddenly materializes before your very eyes. HOLY JEEZ, A PILE OF GOLD!
Obviously, haircuts are just the beginning. General anesthesia could be used to fast forward through all the boring parts of life. Have a long train commute to work? Get on the train, suck some gas, and wake up when your train hits the end of the line. TOOT-TOOT, YEAH!
If you’re at a boring party against your will because you have to give your friend a ride - BAM! - anesthesia until you need to wake up for the ride.
Same goes for plane flights, long car rides, 3 days until Chanukkah and you can’t wait any longer, waiting lines at Sundance, getting over a cold, and two-day fasts.
If you don’t need to be awake for it, skip it. Literally. Reserve your consciousness for the parts that really matter.
4 years ago